The Anticipation

When I say I am ready for this next surgery, what I really mean is I am past ready for this surgery. This morning my hips, knees and feet are all reminding me of my back and how much it loves me…Because I am less than 2 weeks out from my surgery I can no longer take the pain cream which was the only pain medication I was allowed to even be on, so once again I am sucking it up, putting on a happy face and telling my body we are going to have a good day!! At least yesterday pain level wise I DID have a good day. My wife’s birthday is coming up this week, but we had a Labor Day/Birthday Party yesterday. We got to see some of her family and some of my family. One of my dear friends hosted it, and we’ve known each other so long we are family. They have a pool, so while I did not swim my wife got in the water with my sister and our niece who is a waterbug! She loves to swim and play in the water, and they had a really good time. I got to sit and hold our 8 month old nephew and talk with a variety of friends and family members which was nice. There was a ton of great food, good music and lots of laughs watching the kids play in the kiddie pools, sandbox and variety of other toys.

Sometimes we have plans and I wake up and my body just can’t make it. I have nerve pain, my joints are too swollen, my legs are spasming, my back is spasming, or some combination of all of the above and we have to cancel plans at the last minute, but yesterday I actually got to go and be with everyone and really ENJOY myself. Sure I’m paying somewhat today for it. I know the increased pain is from walking around and moving around so much yesterday, but right now it’s a small price for all the smiles, laughs and just FUN. I think that is the hardest part about having chronic pain is I hurt 365 days right now. There isn’t a day I wake up to some level of pain, and that’s really hard for people to understand…unless you live it too. I try really hard not to allow the pain to rule my life, but over the last couple of years I’ve learned that you have to listen to your body and NOT push yourself. Sometimes you have to say no and stay home.

The times I have to cancel, I feel horrible, but my body just can’t do it. It’s not that I don’t love you, it’s not that I don’t want to be there. Most times I end up sobbing over not being able to go, not that I would ever tell you that. Chronic pain sucks. I really wouldn’t wish it on anybody. I remember when I had my psychological evaluation for my spinal chord stimulator trial and I was asked about how much pain decrease would I need in order for this unit to feel like a success? I looked at the woman and said 30%, if I could have 30% I would consider it absolute 100% success, but at this point if I could get rid of 10% of my pain I would be doing cartwheels…well if I knew how to do one, and if you would be allowed to do one after you were healed, and giggled a bit. She was shocked at my answer. I went on to tell her that I just needed some relief at this point, any relief at this point. That interview was in May of this year. So yes I am in countdown mode. I am past ready for this surgery. I am ready to have this spinal chord stimulator implanted so they can program it so I can see how well it works with the real deal, because I had very positive results from the trial.

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