I sat trying to keep my nerves in check, but I think the more I tried to keep my nerves in check the more they tried to run away from me. So I got this bright idea to suck on a piece of peppermint candy, that will help, it will give me something to help focus and calm me….lol ummm not so much!! Sometimes the best laid plans are just that..I have a friend who’s favorite saying is “We plan, God laughs.” Which just means instead of just letting go of our problems we hold on tight and God laughs because he has everything figured out already and no matter how hard we hold on, it’s already been figured out for us. The faster we let go the faster it can be resolved, but too often we are too busy holding on we don’t realize how long WE drag the problem out.
So I’m sitting there sucking on my peppermint candy trying to stay calm and focused and I think that lasted all of about 5 minutes before the tears started the first time. When you deal with chronic pain for a long time there are deep emotions linked to certain events in the timeline. For me those events include the initial accident, then when I couldn’t finish my Master’s because I just physically and mentally couldn’t handle it and some other times that we won’t get into right now. Depression can be debilitating and often when you have loss your independence you can feel like the world is a dark place.
I’ve been there and it’s not pretty. You want to give up and those are the times you have to hang on and remember that tomorrow is a new day. There have been plenty of days that I have just hung on by my teeth and nails, but I have hung on one more day. Anxiety is the worse for me because I get anxious and it spirals out of control and I know better. I can tell myself that everything is fine and talk myself through the anxiety but I still feel it. Today was one of those days I kept breaking down into tears and I know the guy was doing his job, but I kept breaking down for a multitude of reasons. A lot of it had to do with the stuff running through my head. Anxiety is not a fun beast to deal with that is for sure.