In 2008 I had knee surgery and I fear that when I see the orthopedic for my latest knee woes he will tell me that I need knee surgery again. The issue now is that I have the issue with my back, the issues with the anesthesia, the blood clot complications, its just messy. I don’t like messy when it comes to medical and the more that happens the messier its getting. I have the red cheeks thanks to the oral steroids right now.
I am appreciative of being on the steroids to get the swelling down, just not the side affects of the steroids. The good news from the steroids is that the swelling is going down and my knee looks better, doesn’t feel a whole lot better right now, but it does look better at least. I am learning to love the brace again…maybe..not really but I figure if I keep lying to myself about how wonderful it is, maybe I CAN convince myself! I keep thinking of it as a cartoon with a little ticking bomb inside but I can’t see the numbers to see how long I have to diffuse it before it goes off. I know only me right? In all seriousness I am being gentle with it because technically this is the good one. I know that since the thigh is numb that’s not doing me any favors right now so everything is going to just be slow and steady and being mindful of my posture and my stance.
It also helps remind me to SLOW down. I don’t like moving slowly. I try to do everything FAST. I think about my niece who likes to run around and zip, zip, zip, of course at 3 years old that’s pretty much the speed you know. I laughed at a story Mom told me about her telling her she was a FAST cheetah and when Mom wanted to get a picture she slowed down and told her she was being a SLOOW cheetah. I started laughing and go well I’m glad she knows that cheetahs can be both! I think I had forgotten how to just slow down, but in the last 2+ years since my accident and messing up my back BOY have I learned to slow down. My thoughts might still go at lightening speed but that’s about the only part of me that does these days. I often have to remind people to slow down for me because I just don’t walk as fast as I used to. It’s okay because I am more at peace within now that I take more time to just sit and be still, it drives me crazy to be still because I am still learning how to be still, but I keep telling myself it’s good for me.
I think when I look back on this period of my life and the lessons that I was taught I will realize that all this pain and suffering was for the greater good. I’m not exactly sure what that greater good is right now because right now it sucks, but I think when I look back I will see the life lessons and realize I came out on the other side a better person. I mean not many people can say I have had multiple medical professionals say you should be dead and be able to say well guess what? I’m alive! I can!