I used to LOVE snow, I used to want to go live in Colorado in the mountains where it would snow LOTS, now not so much! I think snow falling is still really pretty don’t get me wrong. I could sit by the window with a cup of warm coffee or warm hot cocoa and watch it fall it’s magical, but as soon as I have to go anywhere in that snow I start to dislike it. I think fear has overcome me now that my back is fragile, my knees are fragile and I have come to realize that one slip could cost me months of recovery time. I live in this world where one wrong step can set me back months. Even walking gingerly I am scared of snow and ice.
I don’t mind snow if I can stay at home and just watch it from the window, but as soon as I have to be out in it, I hate it. I don’t like it anymore its lost all appeal. I want to spray it all with warm water to make it melt! I sound like the Grinch I’m sure! I think anyone who has joint issues will understand. I also have higher pain days when its bitterly cold, so that does not help my battle with snow and ice. Yesterday we got some flurries, but it had been warm enough that it didn’t really stick. So I got to watch it come down, it was pretty, but it did not cause disruption to my life so all was well!
I am sitting here thinking about what I want this year to be, what sorts of goals I want to reach and I’m not sure yet besides getting healthy. Of course sitting here my knee hurts, my stomach is upset and my chest hurts so that could be why most of the goals I can think of are health related! I just want to have a better year health wise. I mean it’s got to be better this year. I don’t want a repeat of last year. I’m just going to keep taking life one day at a time and work on what I can work on.
I’m working on continuing to lose weight which I know will be good for my knee issues and my overall health. I am going to continue to follow all the stuff for the blood clot which hopefully we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel on that. Going to be back in physical therapy in a few months hopefully to work on strengthening my core muscles to help protect my back and then we’ll go from there. One step at a time, one day at a time. I am also going to talk to the doctor about doing some more extensive blood work on me because I think we’re missing something, not sure what that something is, but something isn’t right still. Hopefully we can find that piece of the puzzle and keep on trucking. I just want to get everything figured out. Be more proactive.
In 2008 I had knee surgery and I fear that when I see the orthopedic for my latest knee woes he will tell me that I need knee surgery again. The issue now is that I have the issue with my back, the issues with the anesthesia, the blood clot complications, its just messy. I don’t like messy when it comes to medical and the more that happens the messier its getting. I have the red cheeks thanks to the oral steroids right now.
I am appreciative of being on the steroids to get the swelling down, just not the side affects of the steroids. The good news from the steroids is that the swelling is going down and my knee looks better, doesn’t feel a whole lot better right now, but it does look better at least. I am learning to love the brace again…maybe..not really but I figure if I keep lying to myself about how wonderful it is, maybe I CAN convince myself! I keep thinking of it as a cartoon with a little ticking bomb inside but I can’t see the numbers to see how long I have to diffuse it before it goes off. I know only me right? In all seriousness I am being gentle with it because technically this is the good one. I know that since the thigh is numb that’s not doing me any favors right now so everything is going to just be slow and steady and being mindful of my posture and my stance.
It also helps remind me to SLOW down. I don’t like moving slowly. I try to do everything FAST. I think about my niece who likes to run around and zip, zip, zip, of course at 3 years old that’s pretty much the speed you know. I laughed at a story Mom told me about her telling her she was a FAST cheetah and when Mom wanted to get a picture she slowed down and told her she was being a SLOOW cheetah. I started laughing and go well I’m glad she knows that cheetahs can be both! I think I had forgotten how to just slow down, but in the last 2+ years since my accident and messing up my back BOY have I learned to slow down. My thoughts might still go at lightening speed but that’s about the only part of me that does these days. I often have to remind people to slow down for me because I just don’t walk as fast as I used to. It’s okay because I am more at peace within now that I take more time to just sit and be still, it drives me crazy to be still because I am still learning how to be still, but I keep telling myself it’s good for me.
I think when I look back on this period of my life and the lessons that I was taught I will realize that all this pain and suffering was for the greater good. I’m not exactly sure what that greater good is right now because right now it sucks, but I think when I look back I will see the life lessons and realize I came out on the other side a better person. I mean not many people can say I have had multiple medical professionals say you should be dead and be able to say well guess what? I’m alive! I can!
So I was innocently walking to the kitchen. Slowly carefully walking to the kitchen. I wasn’t carrying anything I was minding my own business when the good knee decided to pop out of joint. Yup we saw it actually move out of joint it was a little disconcerting to be honest. Heard the pop whole nine yards. So I grabbed on the counter and the chair and just stood. Caught my breath because lets be honest it startled me and thing I thought CRAP!!!! That’s the good knee. You see the other one has no ACL in it. It was torn a long time ago in a different accident. Right before my first back surgery I sprained my MCL in this knee so it’s not the first time I’ve sprained it. I have an appointment for this afternoon to go to the doctor. I have a feeling he will say x-rays and to keep it braced and keep icing it.
Hopefully I didn’t snap the ACL in this one, if I have, not sure what we are going to do. I have a feeling we are going to have to look at surgery, but honestly not sure I want to do surgery right now. Not with my current track record. We tried physical therapy for it but that didn’t help, we’ve done the injections that was HORRIBLE. So I’m not sure what the next step outside of surgery would be. Guess that’s part of what we’ll talk about today.
I will be the first to admit I procrastinate horribly. I will find everything in the world to do first and then the 5 minute job will be done last. So I have needed to schedule a c-spine cat scan and I keep putting it off because I am afraid of the results. I’m pretty sure they are going to find damage. Why am I pretty sure because when I was a little girl I was in a pretty bad car accident and they thought I broke my neck. By the grace of God I did not. When I was 18 I don’t remember why I was at the chiropractor but we found out that my neck was misaligned from that accident. So we know I went years with my neck not being quite right, then when I was teaching I went for a evaluation and once again I was told there was damage to my neck so when my spinal specialist raised concerns about damage to my c-spine I knew it was time. So we are doing a cat scan of my neck to see what is there. We know I have degenerative disc disease in the low back, plus the arthritis so we’ll see what else we find. I know knowing is better than not knowing but some days I think ignorance is bliss.
So I have chest pains so I’ve been trying to keep low key today and when I try to keep low key I get bored to the nth degree so I started making all these memes for fun. I think I made about a dozen or so. I just kept looking through pictures, looking through ones that had already been made. Found ones that were cute, found funny ones, found stupid ones, found ones that I wish I had the power to delete! Wasted way too much time on that webpage and then decided to heat up a couple of slices of pizza from last night.
I really wish they could tell me what the chest pain is. I’m so over it! My oxygen stats are fine, my heart rate has been okay and it’s not my asthma. So what is it? I’m so tired of not knowing what is going on. Of course with every answer comes the knowledge of my body not being happy with me. I sometimes wish I could go back in time when I didn’t have so many medical diagnoses to balance/juggle, but I take each day one at a time.
I think if I have learned anything its that I have a voice in all this. It’s not that I am better it’s that I am learning to stand up for myself. I am learning not to just run and hide. Not to just pull the covers over my head. Sure there are days where that’s all I want to do, but I am tackling problems one at a time. Life is rough but when you focus on what you can do to change things it doesn’t seem as bad.
There is a meme about being re-tired. Meaning I was tired yesterday and I am tired again today so I am re-tired! I know that staying up all night long yesterday has thrown my body off it’s natural sleep cycle and so everything is out of wack. Hoping to get back on my normal cycle today. Went to bed at our normal time, woke up at my normal time so so far so good. Today I plan on making a few calls getting some appointments set up and resting. My heart rate is going fast every time I’m up and moving. So I’m trying to sit so it’s only like 90 beats per minute (yes I know that’s still pretty fast).
I’m always tired. I try to keep moving and do a little every day, but some days are better than others. Today is a bad day. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my shoulders hurts fibromyalgia sucks! I am watching the new Eva Longoria’s new comedy “Telenovela.” It’s interesting to say the least! I like that I can watch it totally in Spanish! I think its funny that the main character doesn’t know Spanish. Her show is written in Spanish so the new Network President talks to her in Spanish and she has no clue what he is saying. It was hilarious!
Before all this happened I lived in Martinique and I spoke a little French, but that didn’t stop me and one of my classmates from going down to the port where the cruise ships would disembark and pretend to be locals. We would pretend not to speak English which was funny because they would come and ask for directions because we definitely looked like we should speak English! We would hang out for a bit and have fun and then go to the beach or back to our apartments. We would shop or have fun in downtown square before going back to finish our homework.
I have a lot of really good memories of living abroad and I’m glad I did. I’m glad I studied in Martinique and Spain before all this happened. I have a new appreciation of my experiences. It amazing how at the time you are having fun and you see all these amazing things, you have these adventures and you are just living. You are just having fun. You don’t think a lot about it. Then things happen and you look back and you have a new perspective on everything. You remember all the adventures with a new love.
I went to the ER last night and very long story short I got no where. Now let me start off that I understand that an ER doctor is to decide if you are having an acute issue, if you need to be hospitalized. I get that. I thought I was having either a reaction to my blood thinner, a blood clot or some other blood clot issue. I was having chest pains, busing and my left eye was blood shot in one small section. My blood pressure was also high. We got to the ER at 11pm, it was busy, they took me back to triage and did the vitals and an EKG. They told me the doctor said I wasn’t critical and I could sit back in the waiting room. I sat back in the waiting room with a mask because I had the lung infection last week, fine I get that. I was annoyed since I didn’t have a fever and I was on antibiotics 4 out of 5 days. At 3:30am they pulled me back to do a chest x-ray. Then I sat back in the waiting room. Around 5am I was finally pulled back to the exam rooms. I saw the RN, PA, and the Doctor. Without going into a lot of detail because of issues I had with the doctor I finally got out of the ER around 8am.
My INR was checked it is still only 1.9. Which that I’m sure has to do with the fact that I had that lung infection last week. So I will get it re-checked at the clinic on Thursday. I am just frustrated that the doctor didn’t actually check for blood clots. He didn’t look at my legs which you would think he would have especially because I was complaining about bruising on my legs. The PA looked, the doctor didn’t. I don’t know. The PA agreed that my legs were bruised and asked trauma to my legs which there has been none. At least she cared.
I had this dream last night that I made a doctor’s appointment with that first doctor. That really dumb doctor who kept telling me I had “soft tissue” damage. I made the appointment under an alas and paid cash. Told them I had no insurance. He came in the room and looked at me and said you look familiar. I go yeah doc. You pretended to treat me 2.5 years ago told me that I was crazy that my back damage was “soft tissue” damage. Well guess what doc..and I turned around and flipped up my shirt so he could see the scars. It wasn’t! He’s jaw dropped. You can close your mouth doc. I didn’t come for pity. I didn’t even come for an apology. I wanted you to see that. I’ve had 3 spinal surgeries now and my back may or may not be fixed. That’s what I want you to see. And thanks for nothing. You made me think I was crazy, you made me feel crazy you LIED about my MRI being normal. IT WASN’T! He just looks at me with a bewildered stare. It’s okay doc I know the way out.
I woke up shortly after this and then I rolled back over and went back to sleep. It was gratifying to say everything to him even if it was just in a dream. Sometimes we just have to get it off our chest. I did look at my scars as best as I could in the mirror this morning, they signify my journey. I have the ones from my gallbladder surgery, the one from my first spinal surgery and then the 6 from the latest 2 spinal surgeries. Each one tells a different story. A piece in the journey. I am stronger because of each one of them. Sure I would rather not have them, but they are now part of me. When I was in the hospital with the blood clot the nurses and doctors were rather surprised at all the scars on my back. You have 6? Yes 6. Wow… I wanted to roll my eyes every time, but refrained. The top one is about 2″ the four are about 1″ and then the one on my butt is about 1″. I can tell you what they were all for if that is helpful. No it’s just surprising that’s all. Each one tells a story. Of course now they look better they aren’t puffy, completely healed and are starting to fade.
We all make a path in live, we all travel that path we take left turns, right turns, climb mountains. We often wonder did I make the right choices, am I on the right path, did I choose wisely? I think when you can look at yourself in the mirror and smile no matter what is going on in your life you know you are on the right path.