So I have become somewhat of a pro at binge watching on Netflix. Of course a lot of this happened after surgery when I was pretty much told to rest, so I would sit and watch episode after episode otherwise I would get up and do too much. Now I don’t just watch because I’m too ADD for that, but I do sit and let it auto play….So this weekend “Fuller House” came out and I can proudly say I’ve watched the entire first season! WOOT!
I thought it was cute, I had my reservations about it. I think most people did. There are a lot of re-makes and re-boots and we are all sitting here going do we really need this? I liked that they remembered a lot of the original catch phrases like “how rude!” They made a jab at Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen in one episode they bought a dress and said well with as much as that dress cost, no wonder they can afford not to act anymore. It was amazing to see the twins all grown up. At first I didn’t realize I was seeing the twins! I liked the couple of times they split screened the current scene with one from the original “Full House.” So I did like it, I don’t know if they are going to do a season two. They definitely left enough there to have a season two if they get enough people to like it. I am waiting for the next installment of “Grace and Frankie” personally and “Orange is the New Black.” I have really been waiting for “Grace and Frankie” I have watched season 1 I think a total of 3 times now.
I think slowing down has been good for me, of course I still have my moments, but I am trying to take deeper slower breaths and just chill. I know that life is unpredictable and exciting and you never know what might happen. Take a moment to enjoy the small stuff. The nice weather, a beautiful flower arrangement, even a delicious bite of food, it doesn’t have to be some big grandiose moment for you to be grateful, sometimes the smallest moment is the one that is the most meaningful. I think that was what I enjoyed the most about observing Lent was taking the time to stop. You are observant of the 40 days before Easter to remember how Jesus died for us. You stop and think of his sacrifice. You slow down and stop. The seasons are beginning to change, take time to just stop and be grateful, meditate, pray just stop and be in the moment for a change. You might realize what a difference it makes in your day.
I have that familiar tingling in my hands today, guess I need to do some stretching. I did some last night which meant I woke up this morning no headache. It’s been nice not having the pounding headache. Monday I go back to the physical therapist to work on my knee which hopefully will behave. I was thinking about the last 2 years and how much more peace I have this year. I mean even with my knee not wanting to cooperate and having to brace it and going to physical therapy I am at peace with the world.
2 years ago there was just a lot of turmoil going on. I have since then been able to cut some ties, let go of some toxicity in my life and I have peace. Now does that mean I am totally zen, not yet, am I working on it? Yes. I am trying to create more peace in my life, because I like peace and balance. I think that has been one of my biggest challenges is to find that peace and balance through the pain. Right now I am never without pain, I have days with less pain, but I don’t have days where I am totally pain free. I think I am better now at blocking out the pain than I was in the beginning, but the pain is always there in some form. The spinal cord stimulator definitely helps, and I do run it, but I also sometimes turn it off to give my body a rest from it. Not that I can’t run it all the time, but sometimes I just want a rest from it. I love my stimulator, it was the best decision I could have made. It has helped the pain because the pain is not as bad as it used to be and there are some small windows where I don’t have the usual amounts of pain and I feel normal again.
I was talking with someone who said I don’t remember what it feels like to have no pain, so when they ask me a pain scale question with 0 being no pain, I don’t remember any more what 0 feels like. I totally understand what they are saying. I can’t remember what 0 feels like anymore. Its been so long since I was at 0 that I can’t remember what 0 feels like. I was filling out paperwork at PT and they asked where I had pain in my body and I pretty much had the whole diagram highlighted and the woman asked me and I said to her well the pain in my neck affects both arms, the pain in my low back affects both legs, and then I have knee pain, so…..She replied so basically your whole body, yes my whole body. Another patient over heard me talking and he said I don’t mean to be rude, but how old are you and I told him and he said you are really young to have that many problems. I said yes I know. I almost died in October from a saddle pulmonary embolism. I thought he was going to faint. I am young, I know it. It’s okay. I am strong. I know that whatever God has planned for me I am destined for some plan. For now I am living life one day at a time making people laugh and doing what I can to be at peace and have balance in my life.
So ever since that deadly blood clot..well the doctors said it was deadly, I say it was just a pain in the butt blood clot personally! My heart rate has been a hair high. So tachycardia is when your heart rate gets to be above 100 beats per minute and this morning after my shower I wasn’t feeling good so I checked it and I was going at 140. Yeah… just a little on the tachycardic side of life. My oxygen levels at that point were 97% so that wasn’t too bad. I have been noticing an increased amount of fatigue and so I have been spot checking my heart rate and my oxygen levels and what I am noticing is that my heart rate will be just over 100 beats per minute, but the oxygen levels will be at 88% which is not healthy. So of course from being in the hospital with that almost deadly blood clot I stop whatever I am doing, take some slow deep breaths to bring my oxygen levels back up to an acceptable range. What I’m wondering however is how often my oxygen levels are dropping down to unhealthy levels without me really realizing it.
I know that sitting down my heart rate has been in the normal range, but pretty much as soon as I get up, I am tachycardic at this point, but not as bad as I was when everything first happened. I used to always be in the 130-140 range, now it seems I’m only in that range when I am really active. Which of course should be interesting at physical therapy this week, because they are going to try rehab exercises with extreme caution of course. If the heart rate won’t cooperate then we will go back to the drawing board and do more of just the stem and manual manipulation/massage.
April will be here soon and I am actually looking forward to having the echocardigram done so we can see what is up with my heart! I want to hopefully get answers, and get some more direction on how to proceed from here. Of course there is always risk that with the test there will be more questions than answers, but I am willing to take that risk at this point. I know there is something rotten in Denmark, I’m just not sure what!
I usually wake up before wifey, so I usually make breakfast, but this meme always makes me laugh. My Mom has a saying that what you love the most about your partner is also what drives you the craziest! Which I think is probably very true! There are certain things that I love about wifey that drive me crazy at the same time. I know my very child-like behaviors aka flying the butterfly last night she loves, the joy of me giggling and laughing she loves, the fact it flew into her head and I laughed..well not so much! The fact that I have a very short attention span not so much!
When you marry someone you say that you are going to stay married in sickness and in health. It’s a common wedding vow. Lots of couples say it, but when it’s tested sometimes its one of the harder ones to stick through. The in health part is easy, but the in sickness YIKES! The medical bills, the hospital bills, the medications, the treatments, the debt, the hours of pain and suffering, it gets to be a lot for any couple, and sometimes the strain is too much. I do not take for granted that my medical issues puts stress on the wifey both financially, but also emotionally. She does not like to see me in pain. She does not like to see me hurting, she definitely did not like spending those days with me in the ICU. So when I am acting like the four and half year old laughing and flying a butterfly around the living room NOT in pain, not suffering for those few minutes, I think for her it’s worth it. She said the butterfly didn’t hurt.
Being a couple, being partners is about give and take, and when one has a chronic illness its hard. We try really hard to make sure that we love and support each other in lots of different ways. I do what I can around the house to pitch in so she has less to worry about here at home, but she knows that I can’t do everything. I do have physical limitations on what I can handle. We try really hard to make each other laugh, make each other smile and also remember the emotional needs/health. One of the things that chronic illness has taught me is that No is a complete sentence. I don’t have to explain myself to anybody. I have the right to say no. I used to feel like I needed to explain. I don’t anymore. I can say no. Just no.
So today my challenge is find something that makes you happy. Even if its a $1.00 toy to play with. Color for a bit, tell a knock-knock joke, just something to make yourself smile, bonus points if you make someone else smile today!
So if you KNOW me, you will know that I LOVE butterflies. Like I LOVE THEM. I actually have a butterfly tattoo that I got when I was in college I love them that much love them. So today on my adventures after physical therapy I saw a wind up book butterfly. So I think hmm will this work as well as it claims? The package tells me to wind the butterfly up, place it in a book, open the book and the butterfly will FLY. So I figure for $1 I will try this out. I mean I love butterflies and $1.00 is a small investment and this could be entertaining. I mean I could get some real hours of enjoyment out of this toy. So the first one I pick up is pink, but we look and see there are 3 color choices and I rejoice when I realize that one of them is PURPLE. So the 2nd thing you should realize about me is that I LOVE LOVE LOVE the color purple, always have always will. So I picked out a PURPLE butterfly.
I wound it up put it in a book opened it up it flew right into wifey’s HEAD! It bounced off and landed on the floor, I being the caring wife that I am BURST into hysterical GIGGLES! I LAUGHED AND JUMPED AND CLAPPED was like a 4 1/2 year old child that I am! I was so happy and gleeful that the butterfly FLEW! By the way in case anyone is wondering if the wifey is okay, she is. I of course immediately picked up the butterfly wound it AGAIN, placed it back in the book and this time aimed AWAY from the wife and let if fly again. It flew and once again I laughed and clapped and was JOYFUL. Wifey just shook her head and laughed at my very child like reaction to a dollar toy. I then exclaimed that I wanted to buy MORE of them because I wanted to make sure I had MORE FUTTERFLIES FLYING!!! She said that we could make that happen as long as I tried not to attack her with them, I told her I made no promises because as she could see I get very excited!
WOW! We had some wicked storms last night! Every time I turned around I was under another tornado watch or warning. I kept going back in the bathroom to sit because there were tornadoes less than an hour from me. The storms were very fast moving some has fast as 60 miles per hour. There were some deaths from the storms and lots of injuries. Today there is a lot of clean up and need for non-perishable food and bottled water. I learned when my sister died in a car accident that you need to always tell the ones you love them that you love them. Tomorrow is only a promise.
I tell people I live each day, one day at a time. I think a lot of people with chronic illness learn to live one day at a time out of necessity. You never know what your pain levels are going to be. You never know what is going to hurt, be swollen, how your stomach is going to be, etc. Today both knees hurt, my right one is swollen and my neck is stiff. I also then have the normal back stuff which I know part of it is the wet weather, the changes in the pressures, etc. HOWEVER I keep my attitude positive because you have to! I love to laugh, I love to joke around. I am one of the silliest people you will meet. I love to make other people laugh, and joke around.
I am looking forward to physical therapy, but I have a feeling they are going to tell me my knee is too swollen to do exercises, but we’ll see! I’m just happy to be back in there. I love being in the physical therapy office and doing the exercises to get stronger. I want to be stronger. Plus once we get my knee to behave then we can work on my back. Eventually he’ll make it up to my neck! I am rather tall! I snap, crackle POP!
Water main breaks, duck tape, apple cider vinegar and green rice about sums up my day. How about you? How would you sum up your day? I found out that if you want to get blood out of sheets apple cider vinegar works wonders! I put the sheets in the washer with apple cider vinegar (the white vinegar was in the garage and I wasn’t going hunting for it), and then set it to cold and did a rinse cycle, all the blood came out! YAY ME!
We had bamboo rice for dinner (green rice) with cream of mushroom soup and tuna. It looked gross, but tasted great so that was good. Sometimes my dinner ideas work, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes I think I could be on Master Chef sometimes I think OH NO!!! Tonight was good, but if you looked at it you would think what are they eating??!!
Water main break caused all sorts of nightmare fun leaving physical therapy today. Busy traffic patterns and 3 lanes trying to merge into 1 lane was NOT fun! Thankfully people were not being too mean…Physical therapy was good. I did some stem, then I had a massage that wasn’t too painful, my knee was really swollen so massage hurts a bit. At one point I jumped in the chair and all I could picture was those cartoons where the character jumps and hits the ceiling, that’s what I felt like. It’s all good! I have a really high pain tolerance and that is a blessing and a curse for sure! After I got my lovely massage and the fluid that was had built up around my knee was released to go away, I was taped up again so my kneecap can realize it needs to be in its proper home not where it is currently chilling out.
So it was a good day, I had good wins, I’m still taped together life is good! See duck tape does keep the world together! I love life so much right now. There is so much going for me and even with all the medical stuff going on I am good. I am happy I am healthy and I am whole.
So we went to our spiritual community today for the annual meeting which was AWESOME to see everyone. We got lots of hugs and talked to lots of our friends. We saw the minister who said there is something missing when you aren’t around and I said yeah the peanut gallery! haha
The lesson today was on trust. Do we fully trust God? What a loaded question right? I mean sure we all trust God to a point, but do we trust God 100%, 100% of the time? I think we all want to, but we also want to do things OUR way. We try to trust God, but we want to hang on to a bit, we don’t want to let go 100%, if we just hold on to this LITTLE bit, it will be okay right??
We went over this year’s budget which is always so much fun…I say that VERY sarcastically. I believe we have awesome things going on, but when money starts getting discussed people start getting nuts, however this year people were very civil, I have been in many other budget meetings that were not as civil as today’s budget discussion was. I really do see us growing and I know we are prosperous. I know we will exceeded our wildest expectations for this year when everyone stops letting fear get in the way.
I know that I have some growing to do this year as far as prosperity goes and trust goes. I know that all is well. I know that God has big plans for me. I have had some painful growth here recently but I have gained some awesome wisdom too, I guess that’s the real reason it’s all called growing pains! Next week we are at the Catholic Church to celebrate 350 years of that church, but I am hoping now that I am feeling better and we are starting to get some normalcy back in our life..(well what we consider normalcy…) we can get back to being with our spiritual community more often.
So when I walk I can hear that click, click clicking noise and I know that now the tape is gone that my kneecap is off again. Today I have the brace on and walking gingerly, we’re headed to our spiritual community this morning. I’ll be glad to see everyone but I know I look a little fragile with the brace and the cane, but don’t worry I am STRONG! I am a WARRIOR! I am living life one day at a time, and working on getting better. We’ll get this knee to behave and then we can work on the back again and keep moving up the body! Soon everything will be in alignment again!
I was complaining about my head/neck and to the physical therapist, and he reminded me of an exercise using a towel to open the shoulders up. So my headache that I have been having is much better now. So I was grateful that he reminded me of said exercise. I was talking with another patient (who was older than me), and he told me I was too young to be having this many medical issues. I understand the sentiment, but unfortunately I am not too young because if I was, I wouldn’t be having these issues.
I have had an interesting journey that is for sure, and I continue on my journey and I make sure to write my comedy material because you can’t make this stuff up. Life is stranger than fiction. I mean some of the stuff that happens I couldn’t make up even if I tried. But I will keep moving forward because I have an awesome team and awesome family and you know what I should be dead and I am alive and THAT means a LOT. I have a LOT more living to do and I plan to do all the living I can. The clicking in my knee just means its a little harder to sneak up on people.
So a couple of days ago I joked about maybe I just need a little duck tape…..
So maybe it isn’t duck tape, it is kinesiology therapeutic tape (so please don’t try using duck tape!!) that works with your muscles to massage the muscle groups to promote blood flow and improve the healing. There is a proper way of applying the tape, so my physical therapist applied the tape to my knee to pull my kneecap back into place. He is hoping that by pulling it back to were it is supposed to sit and then helping the muscles strengthen the next couple of weeks in physical therapy we can avoid knee surgery. Which I am hoping too! I did have to laugh after I wrote about needed a little duck tape and then being taped back together! Oh the irony!
I also saw my pain management group we decided to keep the course of treatment there and she told me the pain cream pharmacy and them had cut ties. Then I get home and I have a letter from the pharmacy saying they have closed. I laughed and go oh there must be more to THAT story!! She did tell me when I need a refill to let her know and she will write it through the knew pharmacy they are using which is fine, I’m not using it how I was because of the spinal cord stimulator.
So the leg spasms seem to be coming back…BOOO!!!! Which I told my wife it’s about the right timing for them to be coming back. UNFORTUNATELY. Last time I had back surgery they went away for about 6 months and I thought they were gone and then they came back. I’m at 5 months post op from the back surgery and I’m starting to get the leg spasms again, which I’m not real happy about their return. I was really hoping since the bone was FINALLY growing they would be gone for GOOD this time. Of course it was pretty funny last night we were all curled up I was just about asleep and my leg spasmed, jerked my whole body and scared the bejeezus out of me and the wifey. I decided maybe it was time to go to sleep before I accidentally headbutted her and gave her a concussion or something….Could you imagine that ER visit how did you get a concussion? Well my wife’s leg spasmed and her head jerked and hit my head and it went into our solid wood headboard…. yeah not so cute! Of course I’m sure they have heard weirder…or maybe not…..