I have that familiar tingling in my hands today, guess I need to do some stretching. I did some last night which meant I woke up this morning no headache. It’s been nice not having the pounding headache. Monday I go back to the physical therapist to work on my knee which hopefully will behave. I was thinking about the last 2 years and how much more peace I have this year. I mean even with my knee not wanting to cooperate and having to brace it and going to physical therapy I am at peace with the world.
2 years ago there was just a lot of turmoil going on. I have since then been able to cut some ties, let go of some toxicity in my life and I have peace. Now does that mean I am totally zen, not yet, am I working on it? Yes. I am trying to create more peace in my life, because I like peace and balance. I think that has been one of my biggest challenges is to find that peace and balance through the pain. Right now I am never without pain, I have days with less pain, but I don’t have days where I am totally pain free. I think I am better now at blocking out the pain than I was in the beginning, but the pain is always there in some form. The spinal cord stimulator definitely helps, and I do run it, but I also sometimes turn it off to give my body a rest from it. Not that I can’t run it all the time, but sometimes I just want a rest from it. I love my stimulator, it was the best decision I could have made. It has helped the pain because the pain is not as bad as it used to be and there are some small windows where I don’t have the usual amounts of pain and I feel normal again.
I was talking with someone who said I don’t remember what it feels like to have no pain, so when they ask me a pain scale question with 0 being no pain, I don’t remember any more what 0 feels like. I totally understand what they are saying. I can’t remember what 0 feels like anymore. Its been so long since I was at 0 that I can’t remember what 0 feels like. I was filling out paperwork at PT and they asked where I had pain in my body and I pretty much had the whole diagram highlighted and the woman asked me and I said to her well the pain in my neck affects both arms, the pain in my low back affects both legs, and then I have knee pain, so…..She replied so basically your whole body, yes my whole body. Another patient over heard me talking and he said I don’t mean to be rude, but how old are you and I told him and he said you are really young to have that many problems. I said yes I know. I almost died in October from a saddle pulmonary embolism. I thought he was going to faint. I am young, I know it. It’s okay. I am strong. I know that whatever God has planned for me I am destined for some plan. For now I am living life one day at a time making people laugh and doing what I can to be at peace and have balance in my life.