Closer to the answer?

Today is the repeat echocardiogram to find out if my heart is still enlarged from when I had the saddle pulmonary embolism in October 2015. It’s hard to believe that I am coming up on six month already. My life is a lot different now than it was six months ago, I mean right after the blood clot I felt like I had just cheated death and I think I still looked over my shoulder on a regular basis now I’m like friendisdeath

I know I have a morbid sense of humor. I’m not afraid anymore. I realized that if I was supposed to die that day I would have, but I didn’t I am here. I am very much alive and I plan on living everyday to the fullest!

My Mom and I went out for lunch after my physical therapy and she was talking about how my sister worked at a chocolate shop and she was hoping she would share some of the ticks of the trade with her. I start giggling and Mom looks at me and asks “What’s so funny?” I burst out laughing and go “She took the secrets to HER GRAVE!!!!” Of course at this Mom now bursts out laughing and we’re both laughing in the corner of the restaurant with tears coming down from laughing. My sister died in a few years ago unexpectedly in the same hospital I was treated at for my blood clot so needless to say it was not the most pleasant experience for my Mom to have the doctors telling her I may not wake up, and knowing that her one of her other children had already died in the same hospital.

I think that is one of the other life lessons this has taught me to stop trying to live life on my terms. I used to be a total control freak and want to control everything, now I only try to control 75% of everything…hey it’s progress! I never claimed to be perfect! I am working on continuing to let go and let God, but even his 007 needs some time to be a control freak, I’m still working on my training missions!

So today I am trying to stay calm and not worry about the cardiac testing, let go and let God. Try to remember that I am too blessed to be stressed. I am very blessed and I am trying to just let go. Right now I am more curious that anything else to be honest. I just want to know IF my heart is still enlarged. I think with everything going on I just want to know.

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