The waiting game is something I still haven’t gotten totally used to, am I better at it? Yes, but it still sucks. I am a lot better at waiting for my appointments, but waiting for test results that’s where I have anxiety still. The nuclear stress test from a couple weeks ago and the echocardiogram results I will get in a few days, but I don’t want to wait a few more days. I can wait a few more days, but I don’t want to wait. I just want to know what is going on now.
After I hurt my back I feel like I live in this world of the other other shoes dropping all the time. I’ve gotten to the point where I just laugh when I get bad news. I think some of my doctors think I’ve lost it sometimes, but I think of it more that I’ve learned to roll with the punches. I remember one day I went into my doctor’s office and my blood pressure was high and he said I think it’s only high because you are too anxious, you have been getting so much bad news that you are just waiting for me to give you more. I looked at him and go are you giving me more bad news today doc? And he goes yes, BUT….and gave me bad news, but it wasn’t as bad as some of the news I had received in the recent weeks. It’s like its all relative. So now I just laugh when I get bad news. I figure if I take it with a better attitude the easier it will be to deal with, that as been another life lesson.
When you live in a world where you are constantly in doctor’s offices you meet a lot of people. Some people have more medical problems than you do, but sometimes you take the cake. The hard days are when you are the one with the most medical problems. I get a lot of stares because I am so young and have so many problems. People expect me to be older, but I can’t help that. So I used my sense of humor to get me through the worse of it.
I also read the Bible a lot. I’ve always been one to read the Bible. It brings me comfort. I have certain passages highlighted in my favorite Bible because they bring me the most comfort, or they are highlighted to remind me in times of trouble hey read me. Look here this is your answer. I remember hearing the doctor telling me “You should be dead, I don’t know how you are alive.” All I could think at the time was “God.” I mean seriously that’s how I am alive. If God wanted me dead, I would be dead. God wants me alive, so I am alive. 1 Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you.” That’s what I need to remember right now. Whatever is going on with my heart rate I need to let go and let God.