When you have a chronic illness stress takes on a life of its own sometimes. It’s not just your stress either- your family members also get stressed. My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world, but I know everyday that my chronic illnesses stress her out. I know my disability stresses her out. We don’t have a normal life because of my chronic illness and disabilities. We try to have as much of a normal life as possible, but everything we do we have to think about logistics. I have a physical disability and while I get around pretty well, stairs can be an issues, steep hills are definitely an issue, and walking long distances is an issue. So we have to think about where we are going how long we are going to be there, will I be able to sit and rest at some point, etc.
It’s always the elephant in the room. Now I’ve been told that I have to wear these knee braces because my knees will not get any better, they will get worse over time how much time is anybody’s guess. I am staying in physical therapy to try and strengthen my knees and legs to hold off more damage, but so often I am not doing anything more than walking across a flat surface and one gives out on me.
Right before every surgery I get more stressed out because I want everything to go as smoothly as possible so I try to make sure everything is perfect. Yes I know this is an unrealistic ideal, but I am at heart a perfectionist and while I am working on letting go and I have made big strides I am a work in progress. So we are getting ready for surgery later in the summer and I am stressing. I am not stressing about the surgery itself. I know that is going to be fine and honestly once I am at the hospital the morning of the surgery I will be calm. It’s all the days BEFORE!
I’m trying to make the last minute doctors appointments to see this specialist and that one. Trying to make sure that these ducks are in a row. Trying to make sure all my medical team are in the loop with what is going to be happening so no one is surprised when I walk into appointments after surgery with a neck collar on. I think I just have one more of those appointments now. I have other appointments, but I think everyone is in the loop!
I am really working hard to try and find some zen and before the surgeries and back problems I did yoga, I swam, I hiked (yes I hiked!), but those just aren’t feasible right now. I am hoping that once everything is fused in my low back that I might be able to do some yoga again that is safe for back health. I really miss yoga. I am working on doing some daily meditations again because I think that is part of the reason I am stressing so much right now is that I don’t have any zen in my life.