Tag Archives: death

Same ole same ole

Same ole story my back STILL hasn’t fused and no one knows why! I am going to have a CT scan done at the end of the month to figure out how much bone has grown, but for a fusion that should have completed in 6 months and it’s been 24 months (almost 25 months) to say I’m disappointed would be a little bit of an understatement. I think the best part now is that we have to watch for metal fatigue…yes that means we have to watch to make sure the metal that was implanted last year doesn’t break. Oh joy! As if I don’t have enough on my plate let me worry about if they are going to need a soldering iron too….

I will be seeing the hematologist soon and two things will happen at that appointment a) we will discuss removal of the IVC filter because everyone is pretty confident I am not going to have some massive deadly blood clot and b) genetic testing to see which genetic clotting disorder I possibly have. Which I am almost coming up to my 1 year anniversary of my first massive deadly all the doctors told me I should be 6 feet in the ground date so the fact that I’m still walking and talking is a HUGE plus! I mean I rather enjoy being a pain in everyone’s BUTT! I said that to one of my doctor’s recently and all he could do was laugh and shake his head. No other response but laughter….I think that’s a good sign…right?

Everyone is happy I survived especially me! Last night someone called me by my deceased sister’s name and I corrected them. They looked at me and apologized and I was teasing them about that if I was her we would really have a problem because I know it’s getting close to Halloween…but we’re not THAT close yet! Then I said if they wanted to go pay her a visit she has a lovely view of the river! The person laughed and said it was good to know I hadn’t lost my sense of humor (they had not seen me recently, and knew I had been having some serious medical issues).

I still think we need to start a betting pool on if my neck is going to fuse before my back! I mean the back has a 2 year lead on my neck, but at the rate it is going, my neck might actually fuse first! We could do a 50/50 split and the other 50 could go towards my medical bills! (I am of course just kidding!) It will be interesting to see which heals first my neck or my back, in some ways I think my neck will heal first because I am skinnier, and I think my overall health is better right now. Sure I am on the blood thinners, but I think the difference in the weight will make a huge difference in the outcome (as much as I hate to say it).

Which speaking of weight yesterday I put on a women’s XL shirt for the first time in years, and I was super excited. I am really working hard at taking off the excess pounds slowly and healthy. I am seeing the improvements, and I also know from doing all the physical therapy that I am also building up the muscle mass as well so I am not just losing the weight I am also building up muscle which will be important for the long term!

Advance Directive

Death. It’s not sexy. It’s not funny. No one wants to talk about it. We hide from it. We want to be old and grey. We want to avoid death as long as possible. I get it. We scream and wail when someone young dies. We think why did that happen to them? Why so young! It wasn’t fair! It shouldn’t have happen to them!

My sister died young, she was in a car accident and suffered a lot of injuries and significant brain injuries that we didn’t know about for 2 weeks. We had to remove life support. I would never wish that on anybody. While we as the family knew it was the right choice to remove life support it was still a hard action.

So last year I came close to losing my own life when I developed a saddle pulmonary embolism. I was told over and over again that I should be dead. How lucky I was to be alive. Trust me I know, I’ve now seen the scans (and I think I’m grateful that I didn’t see them until the clots were 100% resolved!!!)

So I have another surgery coming up and everyone is worried about blood clots again (I’m not, but I do understand that I am at high risk). So I told the wifey that I need to fill out the Advance Directive paperwork and sign it and then file it with the hospital before the surgery this year. I am feeling confident that everything will go smoothly. So you are probably thinking so why is she filling out and filing the paperwork?? Last year we came to close to crossing that bridge. I want to sit down and have that paperwork filled out. I want to sit down and discuss with the wifey how long should she keep me on life support. How long should she do this, how long do I want that. How far do I expect her to go to keep me alive. As a couple we have talked about a LOT of things and this is something we have skirted around.

Filling out the paperwork so they have it, so it’s clear what I want is important. I don’t want her to have to guess. I also don’t want her to have to feel like she has to make all those decisions alone. If we sit and I fill out the forms and we discuss all this now she knows how I feel. I realized that I know what she wants if she dies, but I don’t know where I want to be buried, if I want to be buried. Do I want to be cremated? I never really thought about it! Last year I came too close for comfort to the end, I have no plans on getting that close again! I just want to write out my wishes for my family so they know.