Tag Archives: emotional health

When your whole life revolves around illness

So wifey and I were discussing that we use all my major medical events (surgeries, saddle pulmonary embolism, major tests, etc) as a timeline for our life. We then remember everything else have done around those events. I looked at her with squinted eyes and said that’s sort of sad….I mean it is what it is, but to think how much of our lives revolve around illness and surgeries is depressing!

I am optimistic that the future will not be like this. I cannot go back and change the past, it is what it is, but the future I am hopeful will not be like this. However I also know that I have several chronic conditions and the future may also entail some more surgeries (I am hoping some space between them and not so back to back), and some more medical procedures, but it’s the attitude you take with life that predicts the outcome.

We try really hard to be happy, joyous and free. That is not an easy task around here at times. I get grumpy, I am often sore and in pain from the time I wake to the time I go to bed. Everything hurts, sitting hurts, standing hurts, lying down hurts. I have headaches, backaches, my hip hurts, etc. I can only do so much for the pain, but I am trying. I try to remember each day to be grateful and I think of five things that I am grateful for even if they might be small, but five things. Put myself in a more positive mind set and start my day in the right mind frame and things seem to go better.

I also sometimes in the middle of the day will do the same thing because I’m stressed out because of this or that and I need to re-focus my day. I might look up silly pictures, or jokes or stories to help because I know it’s okay that I hurt but I don’t want to get stuck in that grumpy mood. I don’t want to get stuck in the everything sucks attitude. I try really hard to take a deep breath and focus on the positive which some days is definitely easier than others.

As my neck has been healing the headaches are starting to come back which is highly annoying, but I have been taking a deep breath and massaging the base of my skull to release some of the pressure. I have gotten some new physical therapy exercises to do at home to release some of the tension in my neck and shoulders which seems to be helping as well. I am glad to be getting more home exercises so I have more to choose from, I have been switching between the back, knees and neck. I really feel like I need to make up a song similar to “Head, Shoulder, Knees and Toes” for my exercises…it might happen.

I just keep reminding myself that 10 years from now I will look back and this will feel like a short time in my life, a small blip on the radar, right now it feels like forever, but when you look back it won’t. So often when we are going through something it feels like a lifetime because we don’t know when it will end, but then we get to the end and we realize it wasn’t as bad as we thought it was going to be. Well in my case I almost died and outside of dying I don’t think you can get any worse..but you get my drift! So the moral of the story is when you are going through a rough time try to look for the positives, they are in there, somewhere. They might be hidden, they might be small, but they are in there. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to get depressed, but don’t get stuck. Realize that there is an end and you will get through it. Even if the condition is a chronic illness you will learn how to manage it, you will be stronger and better equipped to manage it, and you will be a warrior.

 

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I love YOU

Can you look yourself in the mirror and say “I love YOU!” and then REALLY mean it? Have you ever really even thought about it? I mean we turn to our children, our spouse, our sisters, our brothers, our parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, etc and say “I love you” all the time and sincerely mean it. What happens when you look in the mirror at yourself? Can you look at yourself and really love the person staring back at you?

I recently came across a quote I wrote about scars that said “A scar is a tattoo with a better story.” Now this was written before my 4 spinal surgeries and I had to chuckle because all of my scars that I have now do have good stories attached to them an I do still feel that way, but BOY I had no idea when I wrote that 6 years ago what my life had planned for me! However I’m not ashamed of my scars. I know they each come with a story that is better than my tattoo. Now my tattoo has a good story too, but somehow my scars from all these surgeries seem to top my tattoo story now.

Someone recently asked me if with all the scars from all the surgeries if I would be in a one piece bathing suit now, and I go NO! I’d wear a bikini I’m not SCARED! I’m working too hard to lose all this weight to hide in a one piece! They laughed. Being comfortable in your own body is important. We have too many outsiders telling us we need to look like some airbrushed model, but the truth is we need to love our self.

There is nothing wrong with self improvement. I am working on losing weight so I am at a healthier weight, but I can still love myself. I do not need to hate myself in this moment. I can love myself and still lose weight. I can love myself and understand that the scars tell a story of where I have been, the journey I have been on. We often say we need to remember history so we don’t repeat it, when talking about our own history we need to remember that we don’t have to be stuck in the past.

There are things we might not be proud of, things we might wish didn’t happen, but they are in the past. We can honor those events without being stuck. We can honor ourselves and still seek self improvement. We can love ourselves and not be stuck. We can look in the mirror and say “I love you” and MEAN IT! I often use humor as a way to deflect my emotions, but I do love me. I know I may not have the easiest life, but I am proud of where I am. I know I have dealt with some really hard medical decisions, but I have overcome them and I am learning how to navigate.

I can look in the mirror and love who I am. I can look at my scars and not be ashamed. I have a tale to tell and not be ashamed of the tale. I am continuing to move forward and I want to remember that each time things don’t go the way I expect it’s just another plot twist! So today go look in the mirror and say “I love you!” The trick is to keep doing that until you really mean it!

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