This morning from the kitchen window as I drink my liquid gold…err coffee I can see the sunrise. The advantage of living in the trees is watching the red, yellow and orange sunbeams bounce magically off the trees as the sun begins her majestic rise in the East. I sit here with my warm coffee cup pressed against my chest so I can feel the warmth. The one thing that I will not miss once this blood clot is GONE is how cold it makes my chest.
So I’m standing trying to get a piece of morning zen trying to just enjoy life and here comes Creme rubbing on my leg singing me the song of her people. Where’s my food MOM?? I’m HUNGRY MOM! I’M STARVING MOM!! So I walk over to her bowl, there is still PLENTY of food in her bowl, you know what’s wrong? You can see the bottom of the bowl now..so being the good “Mom” that I am I shook it a little to cover the bottom and I looked back at her, see now you aren’t starving to death. This might be why she is secretly..not so secretly plotting my demise….This also might be why she and the rabbit are now in cahoots.
I have found since my near death experience I do take the time to just enjoy the sunrise more. I mean sure I would look at it previously but now I will actually stop and watch it. I think I have a better appreciation for it now. I think so often we are in such a rush to move on to the next thing that we forget to slow down, and I know that I often try to zip to the next thing and slowing down has not been easy. I have definitely learned to slow down with this blood clot.
If I had one piece of advice for anyone it would be to slow down once in awhile and just enjoy the sunrise or sunset. Just stop and watch it. Take a deep breath (or as deep as you can in my circumstance) and be present in the moment. We never know how many we will get. Trust me that morning in October I woke up feeling great actually. I was really wondering why in the world the doctor thought I had pneumonia, questioning the diagnosis, my world got flipped upside down real quick. Last night I was looking at wheelchairs online because walking in the big stores is killing my back, hips, legs, ankles, etc. Often especially on Saturdays the store use ones are gone or not charged, and I am seriously considering getting one for us to use for errands. The issue is ALL of them are too heavy for me to manipulate. I would have to have someone else lift it into the car, which since I don’t drive I always do, but I was surprised at how heavy they are. Now I used to take my friend places and I would put her wheelchair in my car so I have lifted on into a vehicle, but I guess I never thought about the weight of one before now. When you cannot lift over a certain weight you start thinking about stuff like that. There are a lot of things like that, before my back surgeries and the blood clot I wouldn’t have thought about/considered and now I think about it before I do something.
Ahhh it’s that time of year where Mother Nature is bipolar and the temperatures outside have gone from 70s to today the high will be 54. Yeah, fun times or as I like to call it pneumonia weather! Yesterday my chest was bothering me which I have been told is normal. Today my chest is hurting me, which I am wondering because of the wet crazy weather we are having if I am coming down with pneumonia again. So when I was in ICU the nurse asked me about if I had gotten a flu shot, no, do you want one no. Did you get a pneumonia shot? No and I apparently have pneumonia…do you want a pneumonia shot? I think its a little late for that one! So I take that as a no too then…YES! That would be a no, then I start laughing and then it hurt and I regretted laughing, of course I was on oxygen at the time and that helped, but it still hurt.
So on Christmas my brother in law was sick he had a cold, then yesterday I was holding the nephew who was cranky and had a fever but we’re pretty sure he’s just teething. I think I need a shirt that says “Keep your sickness, I’m good!” I know it’s that time of year, and trust me I would have held the nephew just like I did yesterday and cuddled him because that’s what he needed. I used to do the same thing when I worked daycare and even when I taught I would comfort kids when they are sick because that’s what you do. Of course when I taught if they had a fever they went to the nurse, but during allergy season the kids feel bad but they can come to school they just sneeze a lot.
I just keep washing my hands and hope that I don’t get pneumonia again, once was enough thank you very much. I also get bronchitis a lot so we watch out for that too, being asthmatic my lungs don’t like to breathe and now that I have a blood clot trying to help slow them down…. All is well. It’s almost the end of 2015, 2016 will be here before we all know it and I am excited about the fresh start. New year new goals, new adventures. New life lessons right?
So with this blood clot and everything else that is going on it’s hard right now to make judgement calls..well for me at least. I like black and white. I like yes and no. I like 0 or 1. I like binary. I like easy choices. I like to cut and dry choices with no fuss or muss but last night there was muss and I don’t deal well with that. I have a head cold. Which normally I wouldn’t worry about I would suffer through like I normally do, but right now I have this large blood clot sitting on my lungs so it complicates things.
Plus I am asthmatic so if things weren’t already messy with the large blood clot throw into the mix that I am asthmatic and yeah I was ready to have a mental breakdown last night. Oh did I mention that I don’t like messy situations? Oh did I also mention I am sick and don’t like making decisions when its not black and white? So last night I got into some bad coughing fits that caused me to throw up which of course then posed the question do we go to the ER because I had already taken cough syrup with codeine in it like the doctor told me to, but I couldn’t take the next dose for a couple more hours. I was concerned that I was going to continue to throw up, and all the coughing and throwing up and made my heart race. So the question becomes do I want to go to the ER. UGH!! I don’t know if I want to go…well I know I do not WANT to go, the question is SHOULD I go. So we decide to give myself 10 minutes to see if I calm down, we check my pulse ox and my oxygen levels were really good. The coughing started to go down, the heart rate went down, and everything calmed down in that 10 minutes, but we also decided that if I had a 2nd coughing fit we were leaving immediately no matter what.
I hate all this. I hate the increased medical appointments, the blood tests, the changes in diet. The having to record anytime I have certain foods with vitamin K. HOWEVER I am alive. I am the girl who SURVIVED the massive blood clot. I lived to tell another tale and for that I am grateful.
So before I was whisked away by ambulance and told I should be dead, I was diagnosed with pneumonia. Well apparently I did have pneumonia and I guess with the changing of the seasons, the up and down temperatures the pneumonia doesn’t want to LEAVE ME ALONE!!! Today I have been battling a very mucusy cough which is gross, but I have to watch it carefully because a mucusy cough with blood in it can be a sign of a pulmonary embolism and since we already know I have one, we want to make sure that I don’t get another, or it decides to move or anything else. So all day I have had this awful cough and have felt like death.
So this afternoon I laid down to take a nap, but as soon as I lay down I am WIDE awake. WHY??? I mean really? Come on people! I just want to sleep even 20 minutes, just a short nap and I would be happy. I don’t have to sleep a long time. I think that is the most frustrating feeling when you know you are tired, you feel tired and as soon as you lay down all the sudden you are wide awake as if laying your body down on the bed was the equivalent of drinking 10 cups of coffee or 1 Dr. Pepper 10….(that’s a story for another blog)
So I laid on the bed with my eyes closed I tried counting sheep, even the sheep are laughing at me. 1..2..stop laughing!..3..4..come on…5..6..oh forget this! So I open my eyes and I think what else can I do….so I start focusing on my breathing and then I decide my breathing sounds annoying and then I decided that I just needed to get up because whatever I tried was just not going to work.
Then I started wondering if I am the only one who can lay down and have their own sheep laugh at them when they are trying to count them? I mean could you imagine if you could see into other people’s dreams and they had sheep laughing at them too? We could start a sheep counter help group lesson 1 how to get them to stop laughing…..
Actually if the coughing would stop I would be much happier than a laughing counting sheep! hehe